Am I the Toxic One?

Nicole Brittney
Feb 24
6 min read

How to Recognize Your Role in Relationship Struggles

Let’s be real—relationships are complicated. They’re a mix of love, compromise, patience… and the occasional passive-aggressive ‘I’m not walking the dog - you do it’ standoff. The easiest thing to do in a relationship is to point the finger at our partner when things aren’t going as expected.

But, what if just maybe…we’re also a part of the problem?

Looking back on your last relationship or two - I’m sure the majority of us would say we weren’t the problem and rattle off a laundry list of reasons our ex was horrible and just not the right fit for us.

As true as that might be, there’s a part of every challenge in a relationship that’s harder to admit: What if some of the tension, arguments, and hardships stemmed from our own behaviors, too?

Because of the complexities of romance, it’s gravely important for us to get comfortable with reflection and asking ourselves the hard questions that can sometimes make us uncomfortable. Looking at our relationships and actions more objectively helps us to be realistic and more compassionate towards ourselves and our partners.

Let’s take a look at how to recognize if we’re showing toxic traits in our relationships—and how to move toward a more healed, compassionate love.

Are You Quick to Blame but Slow to Reflect?

It’s natural to want to win an argument. I can remember the moments the old me used to relish at the opportunity to win a mental chess match.

Yes, I sounded so good right there…I told him…Ha!

LOL, who doesn’t love the occasional “I told you so”?

We’ve grown to love any opportunity to massage the ego with satisfaction. Unlearning that behavior takes time. If we’re constantly pointing the finger at our partner to blame without taking a step back for that inner reflection, we might be just as guilty as them.

Healthy relationships thrive on accountability. There is never just one person who’s the source of every challenge and defeat (and if there is, that might be the source of another issue).

When your partner comes to you with something you’ve done that bothers them - how do you handle it? Do you dismiss or ignore them? Do you immediately tell them how wrong they are and why?

While it’s natural for these instances to happen sometimes, they shouldn’t be the norm. Each partner's experience in the relationship holds value. We have to be comfortable considering their opinions just as much as our own.

Red Flag Check: Do you find yourself consistently thinking, ‘If they would just change XYZ, things would be better?’ If so, this might be an indicator that deeper self-reflection is necessary.

Do You Have a Hard Time Saying ‘I’m Sorry’?

Let me start with this -

telling someone ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is NOT an apology!!!

Not on its own at least.

Healthy relationships require us to be more vulnerable. This means acknowledging that we messed up and sharing what we will do in the future to not put them through the same experience.

And for those of you who want that clinically informed therapeutic advice, mirror your partner's complaint with a phrase like,

I know I messed up when I [insert the problem they’ve discussed]. That wasn’t fair of me and I’m going to work on it.

If the thought of apologizing makes you run away or get sick to your stomach, ask yourself—why? Admitting fault doesn’t make you weak. In fact, this level of vulnerability strengthens you over time.

Many of us haven’t witnessed accountability and compassion so giving something that was not modeled for us can be hard. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. You can educate and inform yourself with better strategies.

The strongest relationships are built on mutual humility and growth, not perfection.

Love your partner enough to work towards giving them the best you.

Do You Fight to Win or to Understand?

Arguments will happen. So I don’t want to act as if every argument should be met with the rosy, I understand - and you move on. Sometimes, you and your partner will not see eye to eye, and that’s okay! You’re both coming from different backgrounds, mentalities, and understandings of life. You’re not meant to be clones - the occasional tension is a part of life.

The more important thing to consider is - when you do run into these moments, do you fight to win or do you fight to resolve?

You shouldn’t be competing with your partner. Sadly, this has become such a natural part of life where men and women are competing against each other to win instead of compassionately working with each other to understand.

There is a common ground that can be found in any situation. We shouldn’t be putting our need to be right over the health of our relationship.

Red Flag Check: If your go-to strategy is shutting down, giving the silent treatment, or bringing up unrelated past issues to prove a point (“Oh, you’re mad I was late? Well, remember that time in 2019 when you forgot my birthday?”), it might be time to reassess how you handle conflict.

Work with me now! To do better is to choose to do better and act accordingly.

Are You Loving Your Partner from Healed Love or Fear-Based Love?

This one stings…

For most of us. But it’s important.

Sometimes, the way we love is shaped by our past wounds. Especially if we grew up in unstable or toxic environments or if good behaviors and coping mechanisms were not molded for us.

In these situations, we might have unknowingly picked up traits like controlling behaviors, emotional withdrawals, or defensiveness. This becomes harder to detect when it’s all that you have ever known.

To create space for inner reflection you can start by asking yourself:

Am I showing love in a way that is compassionate?
Do I feel whole and secure as a person in this relationship?
Do I act out of fear? Fear of being hurt, abandoned, or not being enough?

Healing takes time, but acknowledging these patterns is the first step in shifting toward a healthier love.

If you find that perhaps you are moving from a place of fearful love, Uncovering Your Power offers the coaching that you need to reframe your approach and step into the future as a more healed individual.

Do You Expect More Than You Give?

Love is about reciprocity.

Lauryn Hill said it best in Ex-Factor:

Loving you is like a battle (it's like a battle)

And we both end up with scars

Tell me who I have to be (who I have to be)

To get some reciprocity

Love is not a one-sided list of demands that leaves us or our partners under control. True love is free. It feels free and is freeing, when it is right. It is not transactional, it is not dominant or overbearing. It does not hold past wrongs or is given or taken away based on what we are to receive.

True love is unconditional. It uplifts, empowers, and inspires.

If we expect endless patience, kindness, and emotional support from our partners but don’t offer the same in return, we’re creating an imbalance that must be addressed.

Red Flag Check: Reflect on your expectations of your partner. Do you expect them to read your mind? Are you irritated when they don’t just know what you need without you communicating it? If so, it’s time for an expectations check.

Relationships flourish when both people feel seen, heard, and valued—not just one.

Where Do We Go From Here?

If you’ve read this and gone through all of the self-reflection encouraged, you might be thinking - I have some work I need to do on me. Congratulations! You graduated to a more self-aware state of being which is the first step in any journey to improvement.

Believe it or not, most of the battles to conquer anything in life are half-won when we master this.

No one is perfect, and we all have moments where we bring unhealthy habits into our relationships.

The key is being willing to look in the mirror and ask:

How can I love better? and,

How can I be a partner that brings security, joy, and kindness into the relationship?

Toxic actions aren’t always intentional but they are something we are responsible for correcting. We have the power to change. When we approach love from a place of self-love and awareness, we position ourselves for growth.