Better to Have Loved and Lost: Healing After a Breakup

A Relationship's Ending Can Be a Source of Enlightenment

Better to have loved than not have loved at all...

Hear me out!

We’ve all been there (and if not, consider yourself one of the lucky few). Breakups hurt like hell. Whether you saw it coming or it hit you out of nowhere. The end of a relationship can feel painful. It can hurt you in ways you never imagined. 

In the midst of this blow - it's easy to fall into the depths of sadness...make a bed and stay there for a little while. The mind takes over and you find yourself questioning everything. 

What did I do wrong?

Did I miss the signs all along?

Did they ever love me?

Should I have fought harder?

Will I ever find another love like this? 

The list goes on.

But even the end of a relationship has something valuable to offer us.

It might not feel like it right away, but the love you experienced, no matter how brief or how complicated provided you with lessons and a deeper understanding of yourself. When you allow yourself to understand these lessons, they create room for healing, growth, and a stronger you. 

I'll walk you through how you can approach this and why you might be having a hard time. Rest assured, it's only temporary.

Still Holding On

Sometimes, we hold onto relationships that don't serve us anymore without even realizing it. Society places so much pressure on being in a relationship. Being single can feel shameful.

We’re taught that love is the ultimate goal.

That our value is tied to who we’re with. A breakup is often seen as a failure. We worry what our friends and family will think. Will they place the blame on us or them? We jump ahead in time and wonder what people will think of us if we’re single. We hold on to conditioned ideals. At this point, it's not even about us, it's about everyone else.

Because of this pressure, many people hold on to relationships long after they stopped being enjoyable. 

Social Conditioning has taught us:

• That longevity is success. Just because a relationship lasted years doesn’t mean it was the right one for you. Equally, just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it failed.

• To ignore when love turns into comfort. Love should feel safe, but it should also feel alive and fresh. You should still be enjoying life together even after getting used to one another. 

• To romanticize what was. It’s easy to focus on the best moments and take our minds back to those memories while ignoring what’s presently taking place. Things tend to fall apart for a reason. Focus on the now. 

• To fear the unknown. It is a natural human tendency to be comforted by what we know. Starting over feels scary, and the idea of finding someone new can seem impossible—especially when you’re hurting. 

Holding on to something that’s already gone keeps you stuck in a place that may not be benefitting you anymore. Whether the breakup has already occurred or is imminent, flow with the tides of life...

If your partner has moved on—mentally, emotionally, or physically—it’s time to take a deep breath and acknowledge that it’s okay for you to move on too.

The Lessons We Learn from Love—Even When It Ends

A relationship’s ending doesn’t negate its impact. Even those that end in heartbreak still matter and there is something that you can draw from them. 

• You learned more about what you want and need. When you take some time to think about it, maybe you'll realize you need a deeper level of emotional support than that relationship could offer. Or maybe you learn that your love language is actually quality time and not gifts and affirmations. Whatever it is, this experience can clarify what truly matters to you.

• You’ve discovered new parts of yourself. The human experience is a journey filled with beautiful moments of revealing our true selves. Love challenges us. It shows us our strengths, our weaknesses, our triggers, and our desires. Every relationship is a mirror reflecting parts of ourselves to us. Use this mirror as a tool to understand and love yourself better. 

• You’ve built resilience. Heartbreak is painful, but you’re surviving it! You’re waking up every day and showing yourself just how strong you are. 

• You’ve grown. Every love—no matter how it ends—leaves an imprint. You are wiser now, more self-aware, and more prepared for the love that is meant for you.

Empower Yourself After a Breakup

You don’t have to force yourself to get over the breakup quickly to heal. I personally encourage quite the opposite. It’s very important to sit with yourself and process your thoughts and feelings in this experience.

Different people need different types of activities/coping mechanisms to help heal and transition into a new state of normal. Take some time to learn what works best for you. Your body will thank you in the long run for slowing down and taking this time to meditate and heal.

Here are a few tactics that anyone can use to help soften your process, allowing you to come out of it a renewed and confident you. 

Avoid the “What-If” Spiral

This is not a place you need to build a home in. Constantly circulating the “what ifs” will keep you stuck. When you find yourself in this moment, immediately work to reframe your thoughts. I encourage you to observe but not allow.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

Reframing your thoughts does not mean running away from grief. You’re allowed to let yourself feel everything - and you should! Processing these feelings allows you to make peace with them.

Some people do this through meditation, journaling, exercise, crying, talking through it, the list goes on. The key is that whatever you do, avoid suppressing your feelings. You also want to avoid negative coping mechanisms so it’s important to be mindful of your actions as you heal. 

Cut Off Unhealthy Attachments

The end of a relationship is a good time to end other unhealthy attachments in your life as well. Only you know what these attachments might be. Be honest with yourself and create the discipline needed to engage in healthy activities and mindframes that help you in your current walk. 

Focus on Self-Care

Pour love back into yourself.

Become a child again and enjoy the wonders of this world. Give yourself everything you ever wanted from a partner. Learning to love yourself better empowers you to love another from a healed place when it’s time for your next relationship. A healed and happy you is the best YOU. 

Keep Your Heart Open

Enjoying each day with a smile and not staying stuck in the past is going to help you heal without resentment and ongoing pain. You don’t have to write off love, you just need to get past this. Become a part of the solution by healing yourself and allowing yourself to still give the best of your love to your family, friends, and romantic interests of the future. 

Love is Never a Waste!

If you gave your heart, it wasn’t in vain. Enjoy this experience as an intricate chapter in your book of life. Know that at all times, you are being guided toward the life that is meant for you. Trust the journey, have faith, and smile. 

You will love again.