Mad at the World or Mad at Yourself? A Journey to Self Forgiveness

The Importance of Forgiving Ourselves

As we address issues of relationships and challenges within relationships, we tend to fixate on our partners… Our experiences with previous lovers and how they panned out. The actions or lack of actions from our current partner and how that’s impacting us. Even those of us deeply in love may often consider the thoughts, actions, and times we spend with our romantic partners before considering ourselves.

When dealing with past trauma surrounding any type of pain we’ve undergone — it’s important to consistently be in a state of observation of ourselves.

We must learn to be self-aware.

The deeply embedded pains of trauma hide behind solitude, silence, and unawareness. Healing is never a one-and-done process, it must be revisited and readdressed. Especially as we navigate the complexities of this life where challenges can rear their heads at any given time.

One of the deepest states of freedom that we can find on the path to healing is the release of fear, pain, doubt, and regret that we hold for ourselves.

Today we consider the story of my friend, Marcus….

The Heavy Burden of Regret

I've known Marcus for years and can honestly say, he’s a good man. Someone that people like to be around. Your honorable gentlemen background — always saying thank you, remembering your name and using it in conversation, considerate enough to hold the door open for strangers, and compassionate enough to be that friend that doesn’t just give advice but listens.

In this fast-paced world, he has the patience that most do not.

When others mentioned this to him, he always said, he was ‘raised good’ and believed in being good to people.

I admired him. In a brotherly kind of way. Our families had always been close. So when his life took a turn and I heard about it from a few old friends, I couldn’t believe it.

Life has a way of challenging even the kindest souls...

From what I gathered, in two years time, life had hit Marcus hard. His marriage with his high school sweetheart took a turn for the worst, drama within his home life led to him being discharged from his job, and within his small circle of friends, he learned about a betrayal that was way too close to home…

He was a man of integrity but (from the way he put it), everyone around him was being revealed as snakes. Marcus realized he couldn’t trust anyone, not even his family. But living in a small town, he couldn’t just separate himself from it all - he had a family. He had to work through it until he made a plan for himself.

The circumstances continued to pile up.

Brick after brick the life he built for himself came tumbling down.

He was mad at what his wife, friends, and family had done to him but more than that, he was mad at himself.

As things got worse, he got worse.

He didn’t feel passion for anything he once enjoyed or believed in. He wasn’t interested in learning new skills so he took any job just to make a little money and get by. He wasn’t happy at home so he’d slip off to his garage gym and just meddle in his head.

Life wasn’t the same. Marcus wasn’t the same.

He hated the decisions he’d made to stay and the life he lived wasn’t what he wanted. The pain of it all began to run into disappointment and apathy. I came to town for a visit one Christmas and I could see the pain in his eyes. He told me he had lost hope. What was the point in wanting more — this was the life God had given him and he deserved it.

My heart cried for him. I could tell he really believed that...

I spoke life into him and said goodbye…hoping for the best and a change in his spirit before his disappointments began to define his experience.

The Physical Toll of Emotional Wounds

What Marcus didn’t realize was that his body was absorbing every ounce of his emotional pain. Every disappointment and anxious thought led to new symptoms. He thought he was just aging and needed to clean up his diet, but there was much more to it than that. He was consistently having headaches and suffered from amnesia. It was as if his body was attacking him too.

Studies have shown that unresolved guilt and self-condemnation can trigger symptoms of PTSD — nightmares, hypervigilance, avoidance of triggers, and a sense of detachment from oneself and others.

The pain I saw in Marcus that visit wasn’t just in his eyes but in the tightness of his jaw and shoulders. His body had become rigid and aged under the pressure. The emotions he was experiencing were all being expressed by his body.

The Path to Self-Forgiveness

Thankfully, Marcus did what he needed to do to separate himself from the people in his past who no longer served him. About a year after our visit, he called me and said he was tired of the same old thing and wanted to start over. That he was going to be selfish and focus on himself.

I applauded and embraced him — he was making the right decision.

Because I know this journey can be lonely, I recommended a couple of good brothers that I knew could offer mentorship and good advice along the way, and to this day, they are all still friends. One even introduced Marcus to a new line of work and gave him a job!

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But that doesn't mean the story can't turn around.

I caught up with Marcus a couple of months ago while developing this mentoring program for women to ask him — 'how did he transform his life?'.

I thought he’d tell me all about how he made peace with the past and forgave his family and friends, but the response that he gave me was centered much more around himself and his journey to self-forgiveness…

Because of his story and advice, I took an entirely different approach to my healing module for women impacted by abuse. I even did some self-reflection and activities of my own to make sure I was internally in the right space.

The advice he gave me is so good that I'm going to give it its own article next week. More t come and be sure to look out for it - it's a gem!

In the meantime, I encourage you to reflect on your journey to consider any similarities you might find. Acknowledging isn’t reliving or giving this pain power, it’s offering you an opportunity to recognize what you’re meant to release…

While I changed the name of my dear friend in this article — I want to acknowledge and thank ‘Marcus’! Thank you for your openness and vulnerability and your willingness to let us share your story with our readers. May God continue to bless you.