Why Protecting Your Love is so Important

Healthy Love: The New Normal

There is a story of my past that I will never forget.

Driving down I-95, headed to a sorority event. Excited for the opportunity to show my new love a special part of my life.

That day and reality had another mission in mind.

The day began with tension. Disgust and misunderstanding from my partner. He expressed that he could not understand why I was making such a long drive to something I should have left in college.

His concerns echoed a misunderstanding of why a sorority was so important to me. Why I cared for people who didn’t care for me back. Why would I be invested in something so youthful and naive when I had other opportunities right in front of me….

The rants went on.

I do try to keep the peace.

I aim to foster an environment that people around me enjoy, myself included.

But toxicity doesn’t really care about what you enjoy, what you have planned for your day, or what peace you enjoy harboring.

If nothing else, toxicity aims to destroy those very things. For whatever reason. In whatever moment it sees fit.

I turned up the music to sing and enjoy the ride. My favorite thing to do on car rides is to sing at the top of my lungs, think, pray or rest if I’m the passenger.

But, my partner was not having it.

I remember listening to gospel that day, my favorite thing to sing to and my mind was hopeful that it would change the heart of my unhappy passenger.

This however, was a day where evil would reign.

The conversation moved from a distrust and hatred of sororities to full out belittlement of me.

I sat quietly, unable to turn up the music without him turning it down. Unable to block my ears from the painful stings while also operating and trapped within the confines of my vehicle. This went on for the first two hours of the drive.

I’m no perfect person.

I’ve never been a person who had much patience for picking. I can take a hit here and there. I can understand mistakes. I can shut my mouth and let you have your time.

But I have to be mindful of my environment because once I feel overwhelmed with ongoing attacks, my sense of control is lost.

I don’t remember the last comment that burned me up from the inside - out. All that I remember was my reaction: turning to slap this passenger in the mouth so that he would just SHUT UP.

His words burned like fire to my ears. As I reached to make it stop - one hand pushed the wheel into a locked position and before I could even get to him, the whole car veered to the right and flew in the air.

I braced myself for what I thought would be death.

The car turned in the air three times.

POW.

POW.

POW.

I counted each turn as I held my breath, knowing that it would be my last.

I waited for the crash that would end it all.

We landed at the guard rail. The car upside down. Me wedged tightly between the roof of the car, the passenger's seat and the damaged driver's door. My partner didn’t have a seat belt and somehow ended up in the back seat.

I don’t know if he opened the door to pull me out or the bystanders who witnessed the accident and stopped to call for help.

All that I remember was being rushed into an ambulance. My love of the time praying for me, for us, apologetic and crying in hopes that I was okay. Everything was a blur.

Crazy enough, he walked away with not one scratch. I still have the scars on my hand and wrists, I likely always will. My head cracked open and a sprained wrist but thankfully, no life threatening injuries.

Just a scare that would last me a lifetime.

Later on I’d learn that the true triggers of my partners bullying that day were around a personal matter that he had going on. Sources that did not stem from a distaste of sororities or a disappointment in me.

His issues were deeply rooted and reached well beyond his relationship with me. Yet and still, his internal rage triggered an anger and faulty action in me that could have taken both of our lives.

I don’t blame him for this occurrence. I understand now that in many ways, I left myself vulnerable to attack.

I remember when this man asked me for my hand in marriage.

How excited I was that a man would choose me to spend his life with. How I ignored all of these red flags in the name of ‘love’.

This is the mindset of the broken.

To accept a love for no other reason, than their desire to love us back. To give my love to a relationship that presented itself with so many red flags to begin with.

As an abandoned and tired soul, all that I wanted was for family; and for love; and for a man to call my own.

Because of this desire, this stranger before me truly looked like love.

Before I knew it, we created a sacred bond that I was willing to give my life to.

As I look back on this part of my past, I desire to approach the aspects of love and family building much differently.

It’s important to know and understand the depths of who you’re involving yourself with. I speak to this idea in my book, Uncovering Your Power: The Guidebook to Escaping Emotional and Physical Abuse.

Here, I’d like to discuss how I came to this conclusion.

As women in particular, it’s very important for us to understand what we attract.

In knowing what we attract we can better understand the truth behind it and identify what’s really in front of us.

Not every man is meant to lay between our legs or explore the depths of our hearts.

When we allow for this, we place ourselves in a vulnerable state. The femininity within us is aroused and whether we care to admit it or not, every one of us is seeking a deeper love from every physical connection.

Because our men lead the ship and flaunt an ample selection in women, many of us trick ourselves into thinking we can behave in the same manner. I have seen so many women, myself included, play the pimp, play the unattached, play the down for whatever girl - an effort to display to our men just how unattached and ‘cool’ we can be.

When we do this, we disregard our feminine energy to replace it with a toxic bit of masculine energy that is comforting in the moment. Just like black people, embracing the taunting of the outside world as our culture; We have embraced the disregard and rejection of our men as a means to ‘empower’ ourselves.

But nature doesn’t lie. Deep down we have just buried our desires, knowing that they are more difficult to find than…..a nut. Or a compliment. Or a date. Or a ‘like’. Or a text...the list goes on.

Black women have accepted that our men are broken.

Instead of seeking to encourage their growth, or turn from an unsuitable or unfulfilling mate, we have compromised with the tactic of trying to mirror and mimic the ways of our men so that we might survive comfortably with our eyes closed to the realities of our world.

Many women are empty inside.

Just living each day and accepting any old man to fulfill this void is not helping us to thrive.

It is destroying us.

It is putting us in life threatening situations no less fatal than my car accident could have been.

We are toying with our lives and in doing so, our legacies are threatened and our hearts are in a very vulnerable state.

I believe that we as a people are powerful beyond measure. I believe that we have been under attack for so long that we have guarded ourselves in ways that allow for survival, but not for growth.

As women, we struggle with the rejection of the world, having to prove our worth, our intelligence and our beauty. We also struggle with the generational abandonment of our men and brokenness of our families.

Our men suffer from a life or rejection and fighting for their ability to be treated with dignity. From the limited ability to make money, to the double standard of assistance for the women in return for rejection of the men (welfare at its core and many other systematic resources that bridge a gap in the black family), to running from the police and so many other threats to their lives and manhood.

Our cycles of pain have nowhere to unleash themselves but on one another.

We are at a time where we can either allow our challenges to act as a stepping stone to our rise or the shovels to our forgotten graves.

I say this with all sincerity and compassion.

We are a powerful people and it is time to take action.

As women, we must invest in more healthy loves that mend our broken hearts.

We may love that broken brother, but he has no place in a life of building if he is not willing to mend himself first.

I enjoy the solitude of this time in my life. I have created a fortress around me that only a King or a God will break through. If I allow myself to continue with unhealthy and unequally yoked bonds, I diminish the power within me. I diminish the ability to uncover my gifts and offerings to the universe. Seeds that we all have the ability to plant with a sound mind and body.

Allowing just any man into my temple without rhyme or reason is a belittlement of the God within me. I know this from experience. That doesn’t mean that I’m perfect. But it does mean that I’ve learned to be more mindful of those I invest my time, energy and conversation into.

With all of this energy that I have conserved - I am able to build, to plant, to meditate and to grow. I am finding the divinity within me. I am not wasting energy on broken men that can in return break me to small pieces that are of little value to anyone…myself included.

If you ever wonder if a man is worthy of your love, or your body or of your soul, be mindful of how you speak to him. Shower him with love and affection, call him your King, present him with actions that reflect his value.

A true King will humbly accept your gesture.

He will plant the seeds of love that you will replenish. You will never have to beg for his love or affection. He will not be perfect, but he will try to earn your love and he will show signs of being the possible head of your household.

A man posing as a King will either boast proudly, laugh off the compliment or awkwardly disregard it. If you pay close attention, you will be able to sense his uncomfortability.

If you are weighed down with masculine energy, however, you will actually feel a sense of false connection to his reaction and you will not be able to discern the truth.

Don’t water down the divine power within you.

Your heart is a sacred vessel.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

You are a divine being.

Within you lies this fragile heart.

When broken, it can destroy cities, mountains and the strongest of soldiers. You would be surprised just what harm can come of a broken heart.

When nourished, however, the most beautiful gifts of life can be born.

To love is to plant.

Not to steal, dishonor or devalue.

While plenty can come from evil and deceit; Only truth, love and divinity will prevail in the end.

Only what is born of this earth and the love of the universe will withstand the test of time.

Don’t be a follower.

Don’t just do or settle for what is easy.

Feed your beautiful soul with a garden of love that will replenish you, that will withstand hardship, that will attract the best of the brothers and encourage those lacking to grow….

You have so much power. Don’t settle. Uncover it.

Protect your love.

With love,

Nicole Brittney, Author of Uncovering Your Power