I Thought I Had Healed—Until My Own Actions Shocked Me
- Nicole Brittney
- Mar 7
- 7 min read
My Wake-Up Call to Regret
I went through a lot of dark seasons after leaving my abusive relationship.
Most people think the only pain that you feel comes right after, when the hurt from the breakup and loneliness is still fresh.
But to be honest, I struggled more in the years that followed than I imagined I would. I struggled when I introduced new lovers into my life and realized how much hurt I still had inside of me. I struggled when I didn’t look or feel the part of the healed woman that I was striving to be. I struggled to believe in myself and my abilities. I struggled to see my strength.
My life was more about proving how great and capable I was in every room I entered than simply...enjoying each moment.
I didn’t feel that I was living in regret… But the coping mechanisms that I displayed during the years following my independence reflected my battle within. A battle similar to the experiences that my friend Marcus shared with me in our previous story on Marcus.
When I was in the depths of my toxic relationship, I was so used to being lashed out on that I became very tough and internally - very ready - to fight if I needed to. It got to the point I was so tired of being put down verbally and physically that I put on shields of armour that were not inherent traits of mine, but they made me feel stronger in the moment.
I learned how to talk smack. I developed a very sharp tongue that was ready for whatever disrespect came to me. I could level up and give it right back.
I learned how to defend myself. I became ready for attacks. During certain seasons, they were so prevalent that I began to fight back to protect myself.
I became angry inside. There was a fire burning from the humiliation of disrespect, cheating, and bruises on my body. I was still going to work each day and making a life for myself that looked nothing like what I was experiencing at home. I looked like a successful woman with a happy life, but deep down inside, I felt miserable and increasingly angry. This facade exhausted me.
When I left the relationship, I was taunted and teased. Not only by my abusers' circle of family and friends, but more often than not, friends we shared no longer wanted to associate with me. Then it felt as if some of my loved ones used my time in grief to further attack me and unleash ‘problems that they had with me’.
Behind the scenes, I was still being targeted by my ex with calls, visits, vandalism, and threats. Love bombing that I’d have to remember was all a game, meant to manipulate me in some way, followed by attacks when I did not submit or give in. If I made a new friend, he would target them and spread lies or humiliate me. I had no peace.
My world was spinning. I locked myself inside and only worked and wrote my book for a year, allowing the quiet of isolation to drown out all of the noise of the outside world.
After that, I opened myself back up to dating, thinking, ‘Hey, I took the time to heal, I deserve to find love again’.
But the way I found myself going about dating disappointed me.
For one, it was difficult to find men that I was attracted to and wanted to engage in romance with. I was comfortable with myself (which I don’t consider a bad thing), and what used to impress me didn’t impress me anymore. So, finding an eligible suitor took time.
As I started my first committed relationship after abuse, it revealed so much about me. I had changed. In a lot of ways, I liked, but in a lot of ways, I didn’t like as well.
Remember when I spoke about being ready to fight because I was so used to it? Well, I found that any slight trigger that made me feel as if I was even about to be disrespected was met with a similar fire inside that I felt during my relationship with abuse. If I thought my partner was cheating on me or not spending enough time with me, I would verbally lash out and become increasingly irritable.
I found myself using some of the same verbal abuse that used to be directed at me at my new lover.
I was ashamed.
I had written a book about escaping emotional and physical abuse, only to become a reflection of what I had escaped!
This taunted me and made me quite avoidant and dismissive when it came to romance. My heart was open, and I was generous in the love that I had to give. But I would walk a thin line between full acceptance of any and everything - overgiving, oversharing, and overforgiving- to becoming fed up with my lover and fully rejecting and shutting down on him.
I allowed myself to be manipulated with love bombing and overgiving at the beginning of the relationship. Early on, I was proposed to despite signals that we were not ready for such a commitment. I was constantly given gifts and showered with compliments that seemed empty in substance. On the other end, I was ignoring signs of deception and deceit only to become so fed up with them that I became edgy and paranoid. From there, I became easily triggered and began falling into bouts of verbal abuse towards my partner because they were not acting the way I wanted them to act.
The shame I felt inside was heavy in both of these scenarios.
Knowing that you are being manipulated and just going with the flow doesn’t feel good. When we’re honest with ourselves, these situations fill us with confusion, doubt, and a battle of inner conflict. We constantly question our lovers' motives. We know that they are only giving to us to receive something in return or hide something that they don’t want us to know. We know that the love that they express to us is not real.
Everything feels good and sounds good, but it holds no substance or depth. And any true empath doesn’t just want a relationship that looks like love, we deeply want to feel loved. We want to experience the real thing.
On the other end, it’s easy to understand the shame when you are the person engaging in verbally abusing another person when you want to be the person bringing light into this world!
These circumstances made me want to run from love and run from myself.
While I learned that the first relationship I invested in was not the right fit for me, I also learned that I was not as healed as I thought I was. Thankfully, this situation offered me a canvas to begin practicing being a more healed woman within the relationship.
Nothing is in vain. I did not want to regret or be repelled by myself.
As much as I had to forgive and let go of my past lovers, I also had to let go of the pain and regret that I held inside for letting myself be abused.
I had to forgive myself.
This season of healing was not about what happened to me; it was about what I was going to do to live a fully happy and free life that was not bound by the chains of abuse.
If you’ve ever found yourself in similar circumstances, here are a few ways you can go about healing during this part of the journey:
Acknowledge the Pain – The first step is to stop suppressing emotions. Ignoring regret and guilt allows them to grow and attack other parts of our journey. Acknowledge the pain, recognize past mistakes, and understand that they do not define you.
Understand That Growth Comes from Mistakes – Every mistake is a lesson. It’s easy to see failure as an endpoint, but in reality, it’s a stepping stone. The person you were then is not the person you are now. The act of observing yourself in every situation will allow you to understand where you are and what areas of your life might need extra attention or support.
Write a Letter to Yourself – Sometimes, the hardest person to ask for forgiveness is yourself. Write a letter to yourself, just like you would a lover or good friend. Be gentle, open, and honest with yourself. Would you hold your loved ones to an impossible standard of perfection? Give yourself the same grace. We have to learn to be more gentle with ourselves.
Challenge the Inner Critic – The voice that constantly reminds you of your failures is not the voice you need to feed. This voice is fear and shame masquerading as truth. But you are not your past or the sum of your failures. Challenge those thoughts. Replace them with compassion.
Make Amends Where Possible – If your past mistakes hurt others, take accountability and apologize where it's needed. This might lift an internal burden off of you. Some people may not grant forgiveness, and that’s okay. Perform this act without wanting something in return. Your healing doesn’t depend on their response; it depends on your own self-acceptance.
Release the Need for Perfection – Everyone makes mistakes. Even the people you see that you think have it all together have struggles. You don't have to erase the past; learn from it and move forward with wisdom and grace.
Seek Support and Healing Practices – Support groups, mentorship, therapy, meditation, journaling, and spiritual guidance can provide a structured approach to self-forgiveness. You don't have to do it alone. Surround yourself with people who uplift you rather than those who reinforce any negative self-images.
I hope that my vulnerability in this article offered a safe place for you to unpack the same within your life.
Many blessings.
With love,
Nicole B
I am an author and trauma-recovery expert dedicated to helping women reach new heights through healing, love, and career & financial guidance. Not only can you heal after abuse, you can thrive and live a happy and successful life. This is your birthright.
If you are struggling to find your power and could benefit from a helping hand, check out my Self-Mastery Academy or contact me. I would love to help empower your journey.
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