The Silent Struggles of Survivors Explained

Stop Fear and Past Experiences From Running Your Life

From being triggered by loud noises, to constantly having to relax my shoulders and jaw as I anticipated the worst possible outcome to happen at any moment, to simply learning that I didn’t have to be on call to fix everything anymore - there were so many new normals that I had to learn after leaving my relationship with abuse. 

It wasn’t the romantic partners you were in a relationship with but the abuse itself - as many of us have jumped from one toxic relationship to the next. It was never ending any particular relationship that had to happen, but saying no to toxic relationships altogether. 

This is a choice we will have to make for the rest of our lives. 

And yet, still just leaving doesn’t always fix the pain. It doesn’t always stop the ache, and it certainly doesn’t make the memory of what you’ve endured go away.

Some mornings you wake up and these memories play on repeat - like a ticking time bomb of the mind ready to explode. 

Trauma is like a drug. It can be quite intoxicating. People who have not experienced certain levels of it would look at us and think we were all crazy, but when you stay in it for too long, you get used to it. Your body creates a home for it and welcomes it in on occasion. 

A little late-night rendezvous with your demons… 

As much as you hate them, you’re so used to them that you’re almost comforted by how they can stimulate your system to react and to feel.  You are numb in every other aspect of this thing they call life; at least something can make you feel again. 

This is the heaviness we must walk away from. And it’s no easy task. In the beginning, walking away can feel foreign. We crave the noise, the stimulation, the drama, not because we want it so badly but because we are USED TO IT. It is familiar, and life without it feels like a new territory that we don’t quite know how to navigate.

We don’t know whether or not we deserve or can handle it. 

‘Maybe I’m not good enough to live in peace.’ 

‘Maybe he/she was the only person who understood me…’

‘Maybe I am broken.’ 

‘Maybe I do deserve this life.’ 

‘This is all that I’ve ever known…’

I stand with you in waking up every day and FIGHTING these thoughts. 

It is not that you can’t say goodbye to the past; you are simply scared of the future. 

Once you say goodbye to abuse, it’s not your ex-partner or the world you have to battle but yourself. 

Fear is a Natural Response to Trauma 

What you are experiencing is not innate to you. You weren’t born to live in fear. 

But it is a natural reaction to abuse. 

I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and look up the impacts of trauma when you have the strength to do so. It will help you understand what your body and mind are going through. It will help you be more compassionate with yourself, as you are one of many experiencing what you feel. 

This realization won’t always make it feel easier, but it will help it make sense. 

Surviving abuse, no matter whether it was physical, mental, or emotional, changes how you look at the world. It darkens your outlook and changes your natural childlike nature that is optimistic and curious about everything life has to offer. 

Trauma teaches you how bad this world can be. It creates a more cynical spirit. A spirit that is aware of the dangers of this world and is always acutely on edge, wondering what nightmare might come next. 

Trauma teaches you that love and relationships are a source of pain, not comfort. That love is dangerous, and you should be careful not to trust it too easily, or you might get tricked. It teaches you that you are never really safe and that only you can protect yourself. 

Some of us can’t remember a time when life was more simple. But I encourage you to think back. Think back to a beautiful memory in your childhood. Where you were having fun, trying a new food or playing a new game for the first time…or simply being loved and embraced by someone you adored. Step fully into that moment. 

Close your eyes, embrace, and feel it. 

You are currently sitting in a place of peace. 

The space where your most natural self lives. 

Life will try to make you believe that such peace doesn’t exist anymore - but it does. It still lives within you, and it wants to hold you and have you experience it once again. This place within is your home, and it can never be taken away from you. 

Trauma, abuse, and life itself take many of us away from this place of peace. We have become so dissociated with it that we believe it doesn’t exist anymore.

But I assure you, it is still available to you. In this most natural state of peace, healing occurs. 

Anytime you want to find it, let go of your mind, let go of anything that’s going on around you, close your eyes, and clear your mind. You can take yourself back to that same memory, or you can simply let go of all your thoughts and just listen to your heartbeat…

Finding your peace is the most powerful way for you to let go of fear and transform your inner world to release it from the pain of abuse. 

You are safe, and you are loved. 

To help you get to this place of peace on a more practical level, bookmark this article and consider the following steps to help you break down the walls of fear that live within. 

Recognize Fear as a Learned Response

Fear isn’t weakness; it's your body's way of surviving. 

If you’ve been hurt before, the natural intelligence of your body wants to protect you from that pain in the future. Anything that reminds your body of your experiences becomes a trigger. This is why you’re more aware of red flags, more skeptical about getting to know someone new, and why no matter how hard you try, you just can’t let your guard down. 

This is why even healthy relationships don’t feel safe.

Fear within can’t tell the difference between real danger and what we’ve experienced in the past. Any trigger sends off an alarm, and we have to learn to manage those alarms. 

In essence, you have to unlearn fear itself! 

Anytime you’re in a compromising situation: 

Ask yourself: Is this person/situation actually showing a red flag? Or am I reacting to past trauma? Is this fear protecting me, or is it keeping me from experiencing something good?

Don’t Play Out the Worst-Case Scenario

If you constantly expect betrayal, heartbreak, or abuse, your brain will find “proof” for it—whether it’s real or not. You will see danger where danger does not exist. 

If your partner takes a little longer to text back, your mind might spiral:

• They’re losing interest.

• They’re probably lying to me.

• This is how it started last time.

When this happens, pause. Breathe. Challenge the thought.

Instead of assuming the worst, shift your thinking: 

• I don’t have to jump to conclusions. 

• If something is wrong, I can handle it. 

• I’ll be patient until I have more information. 

• Not everyone is my past.

  
  

Trust Yourself More Than You Trust Fear

Abuse teaches you not to trust yourself. It teaches you that you missed the warning signs in the past, so you can’t trust yourself to not miss them in your future. 

This isn’t real.

It is another example of your body trying to protect itself. Your body believes that if you fear everything, you will be more careful and, therefore, less likely to have the same thing happen again. 

You MUST unlearn this response. 

You MUST learn to trust yourself. 

You are not the same person who fell into past patterns.

Now, you know more. You have grown and studied yourself. You’ve set stronger boundaries. You’ve learned. Trust that everything you are learning will empower you to make the right decisions for your life. 

Instead of asking, What if I get hurt again? Affirm, I can trust myself this time.  

Take Things Slow—But Don’t Shut Love Out

You don’t have to rush into another relationship, but you also don’t have to avoid them. Observe what you desire and where you are in your healing process, and make decisions from a place of self-love. 

If you do find yourself in a new connection that you’re excited about, enjoy it!

• Set your own pace. It’s okay to take things slow.

• Communicate your fears with people who earn your trust. You don’t have to be an open book right off the bat. 

• Observe actions, not just words—healthy love will feel consistent.

Accept That Some Fear Is Normal—But It Doesn’t Have to Control You

Fear will never go away. You’ll always live with some bits of it. The key is learning how to understand and manage your experience. You don’t have to let fear run your life. You also don’t have to wait until all your fears go away to take chances on love, trust, or happiness. 

Courage isn’t the absence of fear—it’s moving forward despite it.

Healing from abuse has nothing to do with ignoring the past and acting like it never happened. It’s about making sure the past doesn’t dictate your future. It’s about giving yourself the freedom to love and smile and have fun and enjoy life again!

You deserve to feel safe. You deserve love that doesn’t hurt. You deserve peace, and most importantly, you deserve happiness.

Embrace and accept that for yourself. You don’t have to let fear run the show. 

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I am an author and trauma-recovery expert dedicated to helping survivors of intimate abuse reach new heights through healing, love, and career & financial guidance. Not only can you heal after a toxic relationship, but you can also thrive and live a happy and successful life.

This is your birthright. 

If you are struggling to find your power and could benefit from a helping hand, check out my Self-Mastery Academy or contact me. I would love to help empower your journey.