No More Second Chances: The Truth About Leaving Abuse

Breaking the Cycle: How to Finally Stop Going Back to Your Abuser

At some point in time, most survivors believe that they cannot escape abuse. 

I, and many others, are living testimonies that it is possible. But there is no click your heels and free yourself approach. It takes hard work and is arguably one of the hardest parts of the journey to self-healing and breaking the cycles of abuse. 

If leaving an abusive relationship is hard, not going back is even harder. 

The cycles of abuse, trauma, manipulation, and emotional attachment are going to call your name and pull on your spirit, urging you to come back. Be prepared for it. It is going to happen. 

You will feel like you don’t have a choice but to return to the same life, the same relationship, the same abuse. As much as you want to get away from it, there is also a familiarity and a longing for love from that source. Walking away feels like giving up on a dream that hasn’t come true yet. 

But if you are able to get through this, there is a bigger dream and a better life waiting for you. 

You have a choice, and you will have to constantly remind yourself of that choice. When you feel weak, alone, and like you have no one else, you have to remember the promise you’ve made to yourself and why you have chosen to move on. You made the right decision, and life will change for the better. 

You can break free, you can live a life where you never deal with abuse again, you can rebuild, and you can reclaim any and everything you have lost. 

Even better, you can live a life filled with more than you ever had in the past! 

Here’s how to step into that power. 

Understand Why You Feel The Urge To Go Back

Learning to understand trauma and its impact on my body and mind helped me to compartmentalize my feelings around abuse. Your body and mind have been conditioned and will send you alarms, triggers, and confusing signals during this time of transition. 

Your deep intuition might be to leave, but on the surface, your body and mind might first be inclined to stay with what’s familiar. When I say compartmentalize these feelings, I mean that you must understand that they exist and will be part of your journey, but you don’t have to let these feelings dictate your actions. 

This is a time when you must make decisions outside of how you feel. 

Educating yourself on why you might be having these thoughts, feelings, and urges will help you not to allow them to run your life. 

Some of the urges you might experience: 

• Impacts of a Trauma Bond – Your brain has been conditioned to seek comfort from the very person who has hurt you. I know that you have felt this sickness in the moments of being abused. How could I let this person do this to me, but they are still the only person that can make me feel better after it’s been done?

  
  

  You are not alone. The emotional highs and lows of abuse and toxic relationship patterns create an addictive cycle. You have quite literally been getting high off your abuser (and more often than not, vice versa). But just like any addiction, breaking free starts with recognizing the pattern and committing to healing. You have to say NO. 

  
  

• Fear of the Unknown – So many men and women who have suffered from abuse have never lived a life free of it or have stayed in long-term relationships or marriages filled with abuse. The future seems uncertain. Maybe you will leave just to meet someone new that will do the same thing to you. Maybe you think you can’t be alone.

  
  

  These fears are valid, but they are also the lies that abuse has taught you. You have chosen to leave that relationship for a reason. You have decided deep down that you want a love that is nurturing and good to you. Stay centered in those desires. You are stronger than you think, and a life free from fear and pain is close if you stay the course.

  
  

• Manipulation and Guilt – Manipulation and guilt will continue to pull at you until you advance on your healing journey. There is no way around it if emotional manipulation was something that you experienced for a long time. Abusers know exactly what to say to pull you back in, so most survivors have gone through the cycles of wanting to leave and not, or leaving and going back several times before cutting the cord and walking out the door.

  
  

  If you are still connected to your abuser, they will continue to try to reel you back in with promises that they will change, guilt-tripping or making you feel responsible for their health and well-being. These are tactics of control. Learn how to identify them and set boundaries so they don’t impact you. You cannot fix your abuser. They can only fix themselves. It’s time to focus on rebuilding your life.

  
  

• Loneliness – Many survivors of abuse have been isolated from friends and family, deepening the challenges of living a life free of your abuser. You might feel like you have no support or guidance. But you are never truly alone. There are mentorship and support groups, crisis hotlines, and communities that will stand with you. Your new beginning starts with reaching out. Your network and support will grow, and those who join your journey will be the right people at the right time. The universe will support your transition. 

What to Do When You Feel Weak and Tempted to Go Back

Here are a few steps that you can take when you feel the urge to go back.

I list them in no particular order, and you should choose those that feel good to you and fit your needs. These steps not only offer a distraction and a chance to refocus the mind on something other than going back, but they also allow you to dive deeper into learning more about yourself and where you might be stuck.

This will help increase your chances of success in healing and getting the support, resources, and love that you need the most as you transition to your new life. 

1. Make a List of Every Reason You Left – Write it down. The pain, the fear, the moments that made you realize you deserved better. When your mind starts playing tricks on you, read your list to remind yourself why you walked away.

   
   

2. Cut Off All Contact – Block their number. Delete their social media. Change your routine if necessary. Every message and every encounter is a risk of falling back into the cycle. Protect your peace. This might be the hardest thing to do, but it is the best way to stay on the new path you have chosen for your life.

   
   

   NO contact is IDEAL. 

   
   

3. Find Your Safe Space – Whether it’s a friend’s couch, a shelter, or a private space in your own home, create a sanctuary where you feel secure. During my journey, nature was my best friend. I walked outside as much as I could and it helped me to see the beauty of life so much more. I also made a safe space within my home that I filled with Christmas lights, yoga mats, pillows, stuffed animals, and quotes that made me feel good. I spent time reading or just sitting in this space as much as I could. 

   
   

4. Replace Old Habits with New Ones – If you always called them when you felt lonely, replace that habit with something empowering. Go for a run, listen to an uplifting podcast or song, or journal your feelings. Rewire your brain to seek comfort in healthier ways.

   
   

5. Affirmations to Rebuild Your Strength – Speak these words daily:

   • I am worthy of love that feels good. 

   • I deserve to smile every day. 

   • I am beautiful, and life has so much in store for me. 

   • I am creating the life of my dreams. 

   • I am so excited about my future. 

   • I am safe, and I am loved.
     

6. Build a New Support System – If you feel like you have no one, start by reaching out to support groups that share the same values as you. Maybe a group of survivors or a coach or therapist who knows the survivors' journey might be helpful. Maybe you want to get your mind off abuse and join a club that does something you enjoy. Maybe you want to reconnect with old friends who uplifted you in the past. There are people who care and want to help you heal! Replace toxic relationships with new, loving relationships. 

   
   

7. Create a Plan for When You Feel Weak – We already established that this time is going to come. It will happen a lot at first, but the longer you stay disciplined, the easier it will get. Have a go-to strategy for moments of doubt. This could be calling a trusted person, reading a letter to yourself, or reminding yourself of the pain you left behind.

   
   

   I encourage you to make this plan full of things you enjoy, things that can take your mind to another place. While you will need to address your feelings sometimes, wallowing in them or thoughts of weakness can negatively impact your outlook.

   
   

You left abuse to feel better - allow yourself the space to explore what that’s like.

Fill yourself up with love, laughter, fun, enjoyment and hope. These tools will help you to heal and will be a way of hugging yourself every day. 

The Path Forward: Reclaiming Your Life

Remember to enjoy the beauties of every moment of the new life you’re building for yourself. You don’t always have to look behind you OR always be looking for some big step ahead to take you where you want to go.

You will find many beautiful blessings in the life you are building right now. 

However, you are rebuilding a new life, and some focus on the future will help ensure you’re moving in the right direction. A person with no idea of where they are going is susceptible to being led anywhere. But you are no longer on the path to being led - you are on the path to leading your own life!

I’m proud of you. I believe you will rise to the occasion and be surprised at what you’re able to walk into. 

As you think about the path forward: 

• Focus on Your Goals – What dreams did you put on hold? What passions did you lose yourself in? What have you always wanted to do but never done? Now is the time for exploration and rediscovery. Sign up for that class, apply for that job, start that fitness journey, read that amazing book—you don’t have to wait for tomorrow, try doing it today. Every day, you can take a small step to the life you envision for yourself. 

  
  

• Prioritize Healing – Coaching, mentorship, therapy, self-help books, meditation, or support groups can help you process your past and rebuild your confidence and future. Healing is a journey, but every step forward is a victory. You can heal on your own, or you can find a tribe to grow and heal with together. 

  
  

• Celebrate Your Strength – You are AMAZING!! You have come so far, and every day, you grow even stronger and more remarkable. Give yourself your flowers EVERY DAY. Now is a time of celebration and you are the cause for celebration. Celebrate as much as you can, even the small wins. Honor your progress. You are not weak for struggling; you are strong for fighting! 

You Are Not Alone

If you feel like you have no one, know this: There are people who want to help you. There are people who believe in you. There is a future beyond this pain.

If you need immediate support, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. They are available 24/7 to provide help and guidance.

You are brave. You are powerful. And you are capable of creating a life where love doesn’t hurt. Stay strong—your best days are ahead.

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I am an author and trauma-recovery expert dedicated to helping survivors of intimate abuse reach new heights through healing, love, and career & financial guidance. Not only can you heal after a toxic relationship, you can thrive and live a happy and successful life.

This is your birthright. 

If you are struggling to find your power and could benefit from a helping hand, check out my Self-Mastery Academy for Survivors or contact me. I would love to help empower your journey.