Why Does the End of a Relationship Hurt SO Bad?
- Nicole Brittney
- Apr 2
- 5 min read
The Sources of Pain and Frustration AFTER Leaving a Relationship
After a relationship ends, especially a traumatic one, everyone says, 'move on, you made the right choice, ' but no one talks about the challenges you face and how bad the pain of walking away can be.
Even when you’re the one who decided to end the relationship, it can still hurt like hell.
If you’re experiencing a pain you didn't imagine after finally having the heart to go, you are not alone. A lot of people share their stories of success and recovery, but few show all the confusion, frustration, challenges, and setbacks they endured to get to the other side.
In this article, we levelset on the good, the bad and the ugly of life after the breakup.
Today, we get honest, and later this week, we’ll dive into strategies to help you cope.
The Hurt and Pain That Comes After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Loss of Identity
One of the first things you may notice after saying goodbye to your ex is that lingering question - who am I now? After years, or even months, of abuse, your sense of self can feel alienated. Even the strongest of men and women, even those engaged in healthier relationships, can lose their sense of self in a relationship.
As a survivor, your experience may have caused you to shrink or mold yourself to the desires of your partner even more.
Leaving has led to your freedom but it also has led you to begin to rethink who you are outside of your previous relationship. If you have been isolated for much of your relationship, this task might feel even harder. You may have the desire to reclaim your identity but have challenges knowing where to begin. These are shared challenges and though you are not alone, it can still be extremely discouraging.
Betrayal and Abandonment
Abusive relationships often isolate you from others, either by design (the abuser cutting ties) or circumstances (friends drifting away because they didn’t understand). When you finally leave, you might realize how alone and distanced you’ve become from others. This awareness might leave you feeling betrayed by the old friends and family that didn’t stick around to see you through this time in your life.
There is a strange reality that no matter what you went through, the world kept spinning despite your absence. This reality can further the sense that you have to rebuild your life on your own.
Stepping Into New Territory
Familiarity brings comfort.
Even if that familiarity was toxic, abusive, or unsettling.
Leaving any relationship means leaving behind a life you likely grew accustomed to. The shock of your new lifestyle could lead to confusion and questioning yourself.
If you’re stepping into this new life without a support system, those challenges seem even more impactful. You may become fearful of your ability to make it on your own and create a new and normal life for yourself. Trusting your decisions and ability to thrive can be very difficult immediately following separation.
Grief
No matter how bad your previous relationship was, there is still a time of grievance when it ends. Whether you want to go back or not, you grieve not only the relationship but your dreams of what the relationship could have been. You might mourn the dreams you had, the time you ‘lost’, or the person you thought your partner could be.
Shame and Self-Blame
Anyone going through the loss of a relationship can struggle with thoughts of what other people might think.
Will my friends and family think it was my fault?
Will I be judged for not being in a relationship?
Will people think there’s something wrong with me?
Society's standards have told us that the norm is for everyone to be in a relationship and that if you are not, there is something wrong with you. While deep down, you know this isn’t true, you might still find yourself questioning your reality and concerned with whether or not people are judging you. If you don’t have people in your corner to counter this narrative, you may find yourself at odds with these thoughts and struggling to find a balance.
Overwhelmed by Life and All You Have To DO
Starting over isn’t easy. For many, it means finding a new place, budgeting to manage your finances, maintaining employment, or securing transportation. Everyone’s experiences are different, but we all share the need to create stability in our new life.
When you have gone through a traumatic experience, this is amplified because, on top of trying to rebuild, you have to heal. Healing is not always an easy task. It depends on what you experienced and your capacity to get through those experiences. You may find yourself becoming exhausted at just the thought of your next step forward.
Craving Connection
Humans are wired for connection, and after leaving a relationship, that need doesn’t go away—it deepens. This pain deepens because the comfort and space that you used to share with your partner is gone. You might be used to sharing details about your day, venting about your challenges, or celebrating your wins with someone else, and now that source is gone. There is pain in silence, especially if you’re not used to it.
Delayed Trauma
The body and mind don’t just ‘move on’ from abuse. Flashbacks, anxiety, or even feelings of exhaustion can hit once you’re safe. It's as if your system’s finally processing what it couldn’t process before. This is a normal response to trauma and an indication that you’re in a safer place to process your thoughts and feelings than you were in your state of survival. Despite being in a safer state overall, these experiences can be overwhelming.
The Weight of It ALL
The sources of pain and frustration mentioned here don’t hit you one at a time. More often than not, they overlap and collide or hit you all at once. Whether you experience all of these challenges or feel the weight of one or two, it's a lot to deal with on your own. That’s why resources like this are necessary. I want you to know that you are not alone and that I, too, have been through most of these experiences...
Every pain you feel is proof that you are still fighting and capable of getting past everything that you think, sense, and feel. I promise you that these experiences are temporary, and if you are interested in moving past them, there are so many powerful ways that you can do just that.
I hate to discuss problems without presenting to you a solution so I’m going to be diligent in providing the next article on how to cope and overcome these challenges tomorrow morning.
You took the hardest step of all in leaving that past relationship and being committed to moving forward with your life and I want to give you valuable resources to help see you through to the next stage of your life successfully.
You’re not stuck at the bottom - you’re just catching your breath at the top!
As you figure out how to empower yourself and move forward, you will grow so much stronger and wiser from this experience.
You’ve got what it takes! You’re in the process of witnessing just how capable and magnificent you are.
DON’T GIVE UP!
I am an author and trauma-recovery expert dedicated to helping survivors of intimate abuse reach new heights through healing, love, and career & financial guidance. Not only can you heal after a toxic relationship, but you can also thrive and live a happy and successful life.
This is your birthright.
If you are struggling to find your power and could benefit from a helping hand, check out my Self-Mastery Academy or contact me. I would love to help empower your journey.
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